What is ambient gaslighting? Rest assured, it doesn’t create good ambiance in a relationship. “Ambient gaslighting” describes the subtle, ongoing mistreatment or disrespect we encounter in small doses, often unnoticed as a form of gaslighting.
These are the slippery conversations we have with people in our lives that make our belly flip flop. Or we might just feel something is “off.” We can’t quite pinpoint it because these are not the glaring statements we associate with straight out gaslighting- such as, “You’re just crazy.” Or, “That’s not how it happened.” Or, “You are way too sensitive.” Or, “You always accuse me/blame me…”
Instead, the statements might not even fit into a typical gaslighting list, standing alone and out of context. They may not be accompanied by the gaslighter’s typical behaviors to isolate you, insult you in front of others, or any other manipulative and controlling behaviors that are overarching in many relationships where one party is a narcissist. Gaslighting and narcissistic behaviors are often bold and “in your face” actions.
No, this more subtle, yet just as insidious form of gaslighting is a whole new level of sophisticated manipulation.
So, is this really gaslighting?
Yes, indeed. Again, perhaps a statement standing on its own merit without context may not appear to be manipulative at all. The key is to determine if there is a pattern. We are human. We are all guilty of breaking relationship communication etiquette on occasion. But if you are experiencing these scenarios repeatedly, tracing a pattern with one or many of these behaviors, chances are you are indeed being gaslighted. Let’s take a look.
Ambient gaslighting in relationships
- Conversations often feel more like competitions than genuine exchanges.
- They twist things around to make themselves appear as the victim.
- They employ diversion, steering the conversation away, or evasion, providing irrelevant and vague responses.
- Their tactic is to divert your focus from their actions by making you defend yourself against alleged mistakes, drawing your attention away from the real issues to exhaust your resources.
- Through exaggeration, dwelling on details, or changing topics, they manipulate the conversation.
- They reverse victim and abuser roles, portraying themselves as victims and you as the perpetrator.
- By projecting their own actions onto you, they make you appear aggressive, putting you on the defensive.
- When you express your feelings or address their behavior, they seek sympathy, pretend self-hatred, or blame you for their feelings.
- They coerce you into a defensive stance by implying that you create problems in the relationship.
- They twist your words to make you seem unreasonable when expressing your feelings.
- Gaslighters often shift blame to avoid accountability, trivializing your struggles, making you doubt your reasons for leaving, or deflecting questions with more questions.
- They may attack what or who is important to you to undermine your confidence and dependence on them.
- Gaslighting gradually wears down victims, leaving them emotionally and physically drained.
- Even when confronted, gaslighters deny their behavior, refusing to accept responsibility.
- If confronted with accusations of gaslighting, they may outright deny its existence, a glaring warning sign to distance yourself from them.
How can I be sure I am the victim of gaslighting?
Bottom line- trust your gut. Again, with this laundry list of assaults, it is the repeat performances that are concerning. If you read through the list and can say, “Yes, I have experienced this (even 2 or 3) once or twice, then give it a pass. But if a pattern has emerged, you now have the knowledge to track the pattern. The best way to do that is to pay attention to YOUR response. Do you feel immediately defensive? Are you apt to apologize to appease? Do you feel insulted or belittled? Are you afraid? When those feelings well up in you, pay attention and keep a journal (if it is safe to do so).
Once you can identify the pattern, and you can identify your response to the pattern, you can make different choices about how to respond, when to respond, to respond at all, and most of all, whether the relationship is enduring, or one that you should consider taking a hard pass.
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The WIEBGE acronym stands for Will I Ever Be Good Enough? and signifies certification in Dr. Karyl McBride’s five-step recovery model for treating adult children of narcissistic parents.
P.S. I teach a course about Intimate Partner Violence/Domestic Violence at The Institute for Life Coach Training:
Guiding Domestic Violence Victims: Safety Concerns and Considerations
